Together While Apart: Virtual Families and Friends

Just a Paycheck Parent?

What non-custodial dad or mom wants to be "just a paycheck," someone who sends money, but doesn't have a close relationship with the child? Research indicates that non-custodial parents who have relationships with their children are far more likely to contribute something financially to the kids' wellbeing, so this technology can be very helpful in encouraging child support. Money, or lack of it, should never determine whether a parent and child are able to maintain their relationship.

I wonder if there are ways we can get this technology promoted (by child support agencies?) as a way to improve child support payment rates, with a "carrot rather than a stick" approach? Other approaches (jail-time?) seem so punitive and counter-productive: how can guys in jail earn money to pay child support??

Drill Deeper:

• How to Maintain Relationships Despite Distance

Top 10 Fatherhood Stories of 2005: Virtual Visitation

About.com's Top Ten list of Fatherhood Stories for 2005 includes Virtual Visitation Legislation. Click.

In addition, Jeffrey Leving's divorce magazine runs an article on Virtual Visitation by Michael Gough:

• http://www.levingsdivorcemagazine.com/virtual_visitation.html

Virtual Dad, by Jim Buie

Jim Buie has lived apart from his son Matthew 10 months a year since 1994. Yet, using new technologies, they have been able to maintain a close relationship. Here's the text of a commentary he did for National Public Radio:

I was sitting in my den watching television. I heard my son Matthew calling out from the computer room for assistance with a project.

"Hey Dad, can you help me a second?" he asked.

Sure, I replied. I looked him in the eye and gave him a smile.

Except Matthew was not physically in the computer room. He was more than 500 miles away. We were video-conferencing, with web cameras plugged into our computers, and voice-enabled messaging.

Matthew lived most of the year with his mother in North Carolina. I lived in Maryland. When his mother first considered moving, I greatly feared I would become like other divorced fathers in America: I might not play a significant role in my son's life.

But Matthew still had his Dad in his daily life. Matthew and I engaged in "electronic bonding" - we communicated nearly every day by e-mail, online chat, cell phone, web camera or occasionally, even by old-fashioned telephone.

Matthew is a member of Generation D - the digital generation. The Internet has become as important a part of his growing up years as television was to mine.

Online, I helped Matthew with homework. I told stories to try to make social studies come alive for him. He e-mailed me his vocabulary words in English and Spanish. I called out the English word and he gave me the Spanish equivalent. For junior class project, he was writing a report on slavery, so I searched the Net for pictures depicting slavery.

He practiced his flute for me.

We hook up web cameras so we can SEE as well as hear each other.

New technologies definitely lessen the distance between my son and me.

But they are not a substitute for being together.

Sometimes I could sense Matthew slipping away from me.

At best, even with the most advanced technology, a cooperative ex, an enthusiastic child, and faithful attention, virtual parenting is just not enough. There's no question that we've missed important time together. But it's a heck of a lot better than no relationship at all.

I grew up in an intact family. Even at a 500-mile distance, I'm a more emotionally involved father than my father was. And I'm probably more appreciative of my time with my son than parents who resent their children and take them for granted.

Robert Bly has written that when a boy and his father spend time together, something like "spiritual food" passes between them. For me, it's just enough nourishment until the next face-to-face encounter.

Summer is my favorite time of year. Matthew spent most of it with me, my wife Lucia, and his four-year-old brother, Alex, who adored him.

Matthew's mom and I reversed roles: she was now virtual mom and I was no longer just virtual dad. I was temporarily liberated from the computer.

At times like these, I was one happy guy, sharing not just words, text, sight and sound with my son, but all five senses. For this brief and shining moment, my circle was complete.

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• Read more of Jim Buie's experiences as a Virtual Dad
• Electronic Bonding

• Helping With Homework

• + Resources for Helping With Homework

• Cheer Up Child With Web Page

• Work Together Remotely, Email Money

• ‘Snail Mail’ and Old-Fashioned Telephone Still Important

• Dad Checks in Virtually on Teenage Party

• 10 Years of Virtual Visitation: One Father's Perspective

• Years of Hard Struggle Apart From Each Other

• 'A Tough Will Counts; So Does Desire'

• Litmus Test for Parents: I Passsed, Even from 500 Miles Away

• Making the Best of a Less than Optimal Situation

11 Differing Perspectives of Fathers on Virtual Parenting

In Ohio, Don Hubin Routinely IM's With Sons Across Town

This Dad Eschews Computer Visitation, Moves From NC to Michigan to Be Closer to Boys

5000 Miles Away, and Still Connected

From a Distance, David Marx and Daughter Write Children's Books Together

John Broome Conveys Character and Values To Son in "Letters from Dad"

Dean Hughson Reflects on Life as 'Father from Afar'

Rock Star and Long-Distance Dad Dwight Twilley Maintains Relationship with Daughter Through Fun and Provocative "Questions from Dad"

In DC, Bill Eby Daily Checked Homework Hotline for Son in Florida

In Pennsylvania, Charlie Tricou Emphasized Importance of Creativity and Consistency

In California, Eric Obleman Accepts Limitations

Stepmom Maintains Web Journal of West Coast-East Coast Father-Son Communication, and Healing from Divorce (Son Lived Mostly in Maine with Mom; Father Returned and Gained Custody) 2; 3

Fathers' Comments On This Web Site

"Thanks to your website, I have new hope in how to keep myself in my kids lives and help them with this difficult process. Thank you for providing this hope!" - Roger B.

"The stories and suggestions are heartwarming and helpful."

"I was touched by your story" - Jayson

"I was stopped cold by your commentary. I was really moved. I have been a long-distance dad for two years and thought I was alone in my situation….You've put together some amazing resources I knew nothing about how to become a better virtual dad. Thanks for sharing your story and your tools." - Rick M

"Your commentary really inspired me. It is wonderful to know that someone else is trying long-distance parenting and working at it and succeeding. I wanted to say ... THANKYOU!!!!! for your commentary and website….I identified immediately with everything you said. Its not as good as being there -- but it is better than nothing. But it really makes you appreciate some things that you might otherwise take for granted. " -- Geoff B

"I too am a displaced father who wants to use the internet as a vehicle to communicate with my son…Thanks for the encouragement." - Jim L

Michael Gough Wins Right to Virtual Visitation With Daughter, Utah State Legislature Enacts 'Saige's Law'

Armed with material from this web site, www.virtualfamiliesandfriends.com, and a demonstration in court of how easy and crisp connecting in real-time by web cam can actually be, a Utah father has won a court order for Virtual Visitation with his four-year-old daughter in Wisconsin.

He and his Salt Lake City attorney, Joyce Maughan, recently gave a presentation on "Virtual Visitation - Cost Effective Video Conferencing" in a Continuing Legal Education seminar for the Family Law Section of the Utah State Bar which attracted more than 200 attorneys.

That event sparked an examination of Utah law. Utah House of Representatives Douglas C. Aagard (R) District 15 sponsored a bill for "Virtual Parent-Time Rights" to change Utah code to include a presumption for Virtual Visitation in custody cases, so that parents will no longer have to go to court and prove that it's viable. The legislation passed the state legislature by a wide margin and was recently signed into law by the governor.

Media Coverage Legislation Introduced

Utah legislature may be the first to OK virtual visitation in Salt Lake City Tribune

"Something good can come out of divorce," says Michael Gough, the father and a computer security consultant for HP, who has made web cam visitation something of a personal crusade. "I want more kids in Utah to benefit from this," he says. "This should become the norm here in Utah and many other states and help as many kids and parents as possible."

He wants to name the Virtual Visitation legislation in honor of his daughter, calling it "Saige's Law," and hopes that other states will follow Utah's example. "I want to present Virtual Visitation to as many attorneys and parents as possible so that they can educate their clients and hopefully a few more parents can stay more involved with their children's lives," he says.

According to Science Technology for Judges Trends for 2003: “an estimated 18 million children have separated or divorced parents, and an additional 17 million children’s parents never married, according to the Children’s Rights Council. At least 25 percent of all of these children have a parent living in a different city. “Virtual Visitation can significantly improve the quality of contact when face-to-face visits are not possible," Gough says.

"Doing this is for the children. They did not ask for their parents to divorce. It was the parents who made the choice and each parent needs to take responsibility for their actions for the divorce, make amends, get past the ugly, and love and care for the kids that they brought into this world the best they can," Gough said.

Virtual visitation makes an enormous difference in the quality of his relationship with his daughter, Gough says. "Before starting Virtual Visitation, when I spoke with my four-and-a-half-year-old daughter, our telephone calls lasted only an average of 5 minutes. Now during video calls, they last an average of 15 minutes and have gone as long as 45 minutes. I can now see as well as hear my daughter, something telephone calls alone cannot provide.

"I can only begin to tell you how much of an improvement Virtual Visitation has been for my daughter and myself. The difference is amazing. I am able to show her things and she is able to show me things. I was able to see the haircut she managed to give herself, her dinosaur outfit that she planned to wear for Halloween and the roar she was ready to give along with it. My daughter asked to see our family cat, and her favorite dolls. My first Virtual Visitation of 20 minutes was better than the previous 18 months of telephone calls combined. I’m able to watch her grow and change.

"My daughter was even able to virtually visit with her grandparents and great grandparents, something she would have missed without the video call."

Several attorneys told Gough and his attorney, Joyce Maughan, that they are glad the technology has improved so much and is so easy and inexpensive.

In court using two laptops, one operated by his mother, Gough demonstrated just how easy Virtual Visitation could be. As a computer security specialist himself, he explained how Symantec Internet Security software and a Linksys cable/DSL router would protect against threats from the Internet. And he demonstrated that an entire virtual visitation system could be installed for $200 with an exiting computer or $700 that includes new computer equipment, webcam, headset/microphone and software.

As backup materials, to demonstrate that other parents successfully use these techniques, Gough provided copies of articles from Jim Buie’s web site, Virtual Families and Friends.com, and legal journal articles on the trend in virtual visitation.

Fathers, in particular, "need to stand up and fight for their rights," Gough says. "I will NEVER give up on my daughter as I know how important it is to have the other parent in your life.... If I help one child, I can sleep at night knowing we made a difference." From all this experience, Gough has prepared a handbook labeled, "The Virtual Visitation Handbook" that will be available soon at wwww.internetvisitation.org.

Read more of Michael Gough's point of view in his online column, Michael's Corner.

View MORE virtual visitation pictures of Michael and his daughter.

Contact Michael Gough, ask him a question.

Peruse Michael's reviews of and links to virtual visiting software applications.

In California, Eric Obleman Accepted Limitations

For many non-custodial parents, the obstacles are simply overwhelming. Eric Obleman, who lives in California, has been separated from his daughter by 600 miles for five years, since she was 6 years old. Before his ex moved, he saw his daughter on alternate weekends. Since the move, "our relationship has dwindled and died," he says sadly.

Obleman participates in an Internet discussion group called alt.dad's rights. "Sure you can say this is my fault and beat me up over it, but the sad truth is that I am not in the minority," he wrote me via electronic mail.

"I understand that some couples cannot remain married. Sometimes it is even in the best interest of the child for the parents to split up. But it is never in the best interest of the children for their reasonable, loving parents to be separated by more than walking distance from their children. Children need instant access to both parents."

After years of "wishful thinking" that he could be close to his daughter, Obleman has realized his limitations. Fighting for joint custody or more visitation rights no longer seems practical. "My daughter's need is more important to me and society than my rights, and I will gladly sacrifice my rights for my daughter's sake," he says.

"I suffer over this more than you realize. ... I continually pray that someone will come into my daughter's life who will adopt her as his own child. She needs a father who can be there with her and who is her father in every respect," Obleman writes.

In Pennsylvania, Charlie Tricou Emphasized Importance of Creativity and Consistency

Charlie Tricou has a number of creative ways to keep in touch with his two boys, now 4 and 5. Tricou lives in State College, Pa., and his children live near Chicago with their mother.

First, he bought some stuffed animals, took pictures of them playing in a sandbox with him, and riding a rocking horse. He conjured up a story about the animals, and put the story and the pictures in a blank book. Then he sent the book and the animals to his boys. "Sending a stuffed animal sends a message of love, nurturing and caring," Tricou wrote me via electronic mail.

Every couple of weeks, he mails stickers and a letter to each boy. Recently, he sent a couple of interesting rocks. He also made their Halloween costumes -- the 4-year-old got a power ranger costume and the 5-year-old got a dragon costume.

Tricou speaks to each boy individually on the phone twice a week.

The telephone conversations have become a little ritualized, "simply by virtue of how young children like to do the same things over and over," Tricou says. "Although a little boring for me, it provides a consistency for them that I believe is beneficial."

To him, the most important attributes of a long-distance parent are consistency and dependability, especially in letting the child know when they will hear or see you again. "I go out of my way to make promises to my children that I can keep," he says.

Bill Eby Daily Checked Homework Hotline for Son in Florida

Bill Eby was concerned about his son's failing performance in seventh grade in Florida. He flew down, met with his son's teachers, and asked what he could do to help. A teacher mentioned in passing that the school had a "homework hot line" that parents could call each day to find out what the homework was assigned.

So each day from Washington, Eby would call the hot line, find out the assignment, and call his son. "Have you completed your algebra assignment for tomorrow yet, Camaan?" If his son hemmed, hawed, denied the assignment or said he forgot it, Eby could quote exact page numbers and specific lessons. Camaan was impressed.

Eby's daily calls were as effective as cracking a whip. His son's grades improved dramatically. In two short long-distance phone calls each day, he helped motivate his son.

Later Camaan lived in Washington with his father, and "he's doing great in school, bringing home A's and B's," Eby said.