The Buie Knife

Who's Most Generous?

America's poor are the most generous givers, even though it's far more expensive to be poor, and 28 million Americans have neither a checking nor savings account.

To raise generous children, parents need to model volunteering and helping others. According to Independent Sector, the factors most linked to adult generosity is learning to be generous as a child by:

• Seeing an admired person who isn't a family member help others.
• Seeing a family member help others.
• Doing volunteer work.
• Raising money door to door.
• Being active in student government.
• Belonging to a youth group, such as the Boy Scouts.
• Being active in a religious organization.
• Being helped by others.

The biggest deterrent to generosity: not seeing a family member help others.

Requiring Pre-Teens to Watch the News -- Good Idea??

Last night I instituted a new rule for my 10-year-old: to earn an hour of computer time, he has to watch a half-hour of news and correctly answer five questions about what's going on in the world. But as we watched the news, I began to wonder if this new rule is such a good idea. 

The first item was about New York Governor Eliot Spitzer getting busted for involvement with prostitutes. So Alex was asking or telling me what he believes "call girls" and "prostitutes" are. Another item was about the high prevalence of sexually-transmitted diseases among high school students, so Alex was asking or telling me what he thinks STDs are. A third item was about gang-related murders of teens. Though this story originated in far-away Los Angeles, I wondered if, given Alex's awareness of the nearby murder of Eve Carson, the UNC Student Body President, this news item might stir up unnecessary fears that a 10-year-old need not be exposed to.

So I'm having second thoughts about requiring him to watch the news. Certainly I got into the habit of watching the news at his age, but I do not remember such vivid stories concerning sex and violence leading the news when I was a kid. Maybe I'm recalling the past with rose-colored glasses.
Certainly, back then there were sensational and brutal murders -- In Cold Blood, which gave me nightmares, multiple assassinations, bloody footage of Vietnam War carnage and riots in the streets. Somehow, even so, we were able to maintain our innocence. It seems more difficult today. I've written before of my concerns for the loss of childhood innocence and the difficulty parents have in protecting their kids these days.

That said, Alex has taken an interest in the presidential campaign, largely because of the Saturday Night Live spoofs which he laughed at heartily, and the "Yes We Can" and "No You Can't" videos which persuaded him that "it's cooler to be for Barack Obama."

Today's Kids Far Less Comfortable Outdoors

Disturbing Trend.

Adoptive Children Connect the Dots to a Common Humanity

"These are the cries of the children," sings the Haitian born-American artist Wyclef Jean in the haunting and mournful lyrics to "A Million Voices" from Hotel Rwanda, which won a Golden Globe nomination in 2004. While the song revolves around the Rwandan genocide, it has a universal appeal to children suffering under any circumstances around the world. I know a child, born in Russia and adopted by Americans at six months, who found the film and the song especially moving and helpful in identifying with suffering children. This child doesn't frequently self-identify as an adoptee, but is generally eager to be like other kids. At age 8, after seeing "Hotel Rwanda," this child wanted to get the soundtrack to the movie and played "A Million Voices" over and over in the cd player, singing along. The child started saying "I'm black" and gravitated toward black children in the neighborhood and at school, though the child is most definitely white. And yet if you read about the fate of many Russian orphans, you can understand why a child would not make a great distinction between suffering African children and suffering Russian children.

For adoptive children, there is the inevitable search for identity and to connect the dots.

That's why the story of 10-year-old Sasha Taton, who had the unique opportunity to visit the babyhouse where she spent the first seven months of her life before her adoption, is fascinating. "Being back in Russia and back in Kopesk changed my thinking of how lucky I was that my mom had come for me," she writes. "I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I would have had to live my life in an orphanage."

In Resistence, Rebellion and Death, the French philosopher Albert Camus wrote: "Perhaps we cannot prevent this world from being a world in which children are tortured. But we can reduce the number of tortured children. And if you don't help us, who else in the world can help us do this?"

Drill Deeper:

• Wyclef Jean
• haunting and mournful lyrics and background on "A Million Voices" (Wikipedia)
• "A Million Voices" from Hotel Rwanda (music video)
• Human Rights Watch report on the fate of many Russian orphans
• the story of 10-year-old Sasha Taton's visit to the orphanage where she spent the first seven months of her life.
• "Resistence, Rebellion and Death" by Albert Camus.

Loss of Childhood's Innocence

Not to sound like the old fogey I accused my parents of being, but in watching the raw innocence of this video-clip of Herman's Hermits singing "Mrs. Brown" in the 1960s, I'm appalled by the contrast to what my nine-year-old son is exposed to from popular culture. He popped into the CD player the other day Candy Shop, by 50 Cent, which was nominated in 2006 for best rap song, and one might therefore presume it's not x-rated. But check out the words. Our kids simply are not protected enough.

Related:

"In Teens' Media, Chocolate-covered Lust," by Jane Brown, a professor in the School of Journalism and Mass Communication at UNC-Chapel Hill. "The media rarely depict the realities of love or sexually healthy behavior. The three C's are missing: Commitment, Contraceptives and Consequences."

Goodbye to Girlhood: As Pop Culture Targets Ever Younger Girls, Psychologists Worry About a Premature Focus on Sex and Appearance in The Washington Post.

Fathers Far More Present With Children Today

Fathers spend twice as much time with their children today (2006) than fathers did in 1965. -- Time magazine, "America By the Numbers."

Parenting Styles

"There are two kinds of parents -- free-range and concerted. They're absolutely concerted. They make sure (their four sons) walk the straight and narrow." -- Sgt. Robert A. Kalosy, a member of the Essex Fells, N.J. police department, referring to the parents of Reade Seligmann, Duke University lacrosse player accused of raping an escort service dancer, in The News and Observer.

'I'm Your Child, God...'

Teaching kids good values in today's society isn't easy. One book that helps is "I'm Your Child God: Prayers for Our Children" by Marian Wright Edelman, founder of the Children's Defense Fund. Children have a natural curiosity and interest in spiritual matters, especially if it is encouraged, nurtured and developed.

'Liberation's Children : Parents and Kids in Postmodern Age'

Modern American youth may be "richer, better educated and healthier than any other generation, but many are emotionally, morally and spiritually deprived," says William Muehlenberg. They lack manners, fellow feeling, and due respect for authority. They are often isolated, and in despair, as parents pursue ecstatic capitalism, spending long hours at the workplace as if it is the arena of all meaningful achievement and validation in life. Adults don't guide them into communities of shared meaning and shared values. The individuality of the child is celebrated. Children are encouraged to "find their own way," while pop culture lures them with enticing fantasies and corrupting influences. It's cool to be "tough," to display an "I don't need nobody" individualism, while underneath they are hurting and needy.

That's the message of "Liberation's Children: Parents and Kids in a Post-Modern Age," by Kay Hymowitz, Contributing editor of City Journal, and a Manhattan Institute Senior Fellow.  The book's page on Amazon.com is interesting. Hymowitz's "fundamental axiom is this: that all (good) child development depends on a transmitted morality based on self-denial and self-discipline. The only way to achieve these is not to depend on the 'inherent' capacity of children to develop these, but, instead, on powerful, care-giving, available adult(s) who decline to take shortcuts, and who take moral stands in their lives."

Tucker Andersen writes in a review of the book: "Somehow we as a society have not accepted the fact that the greater the freedom in a society, the greater is the need for a firm personal internalization of the agreed upon moral precepts and shared cultural values which are necessary for the society to effectively function."

In his review, Muehlenberg observes that Hymowitz's chapter on tweens "makes for chilling reading. Children between eight and twelve are effectively being robbed of their childhood and preadolescence. They are being forced to become teenagers prematurely. Much of this is due to the tremendous pressure of popular culture, advertising, consumerism and mass marketing. Kids today are heavily targeted by the corporate world, urged to get the "look" and all that goes with it. The worst thing for a tween today is not to be cool. And the ones who make a financial killing off our kids (and their parents) are determining what is cool."

"Thus every ten-year-old wants the look, even though it may mean forcing young girls to look like prostitutes. Cosmetics companies, clothing manufacturers, the music industry and fast-food conglomerates all conspire against our children, promoting shameless hedonism and individualism. The hooker look is in, and common values and decency are out."

"Absent parents, powerful peer pressure, and a greedy and rapacious corporate culture makes for a bad mix," Muehlenberg observes. "Kids as a result are growing up in a moral and spiritual wasteland."

"Today's children are groping for values in a world that promotes work over family and self-expression over love," says reviewer Madelene Towne.

Drill Deeper:

• Amazon.com page for "Liberation's Children: Parents and Kids in a Post-Modern Age," by Kay Hymowitz.

ADHD Caused By Father Absence?

I see that some of my former associates at the American Psychological Association, among them Rogers Wright and Nicholas Cummings, have produced a provocative book, "Destructive Trends in Mental Health: The Well-Intentioned Path to Harm." They point to a study suggesting that ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) may be caused in part by the absence of fathers in a child's life. Hat Tip to Dr. Helen for pointing this out.